It became more clear the path that I am on and how it was forged by the context I evolved as a young adult, and even as a child. As a child, two simple elements defined me : I am special, meant for great things and video games. Video games were more than an escape, they were the magic in my life, the more than real and what would feel like a door to the infinite.

Later on in life, I ended up having a full career in games, creating worlds, experiences, but always creating, creating in unreal engine, creating, creating for large companies, not for myself, but creating. The growing discomfort that I had something special to give, to say, all the while not giving it, not saying it, as I was only grinding in an industry, without realising it, I had become a factory worker, a slave to my masters, how could this be? How could a slave be making such a cool job?

I never saw it as clearly as today, but I could feel it, and I fought it. I worked a simply insane amount of time to create personal projects, my ticket to freedom from my masters, but no matter how hard I tried, I remained a slave, as society financial structure is keeping us all into our predefined places, only radical artists who lives alternate lives could escape it, this or the rich kids who has everything paid by their parents, all the while rebelling against them and the system, but I wasn’t that for sure, and would not want to be. So I pushed on, worked harder, then the fighting turned from a quest to greatness to fighting depression, burnouts after burnouts, and I entered a precarious survival mode, my fight always making my life more difficult and precarious, it is almost as if it was all designed to turn against me at some point, and it was. A good thing I now finally see it.

I am currently in the last phase of that self destruction; turning myself, my whole self into a project. I am no longer creating projects, or a part of a project, I am the project, so that way, when the project inevitably comes to a halt or falters, before my body dies, I will be destroyed with it. That is the sublimation of the digital subject. I am not a human being anymore, simply a digital Archetype that the sole purpose is self actualisation, endless creative generation of digits that appears on screens, and disappear as quickly. As I have put my whole value, and all my love into those digits, when the screen is turned off, not much of me is left, if nothing at all.

So should I push on and turn myself into a project, or should I back off now and retreat somewhere? I am already on this track, I don’t see I have much choice, but maybe I will have a chance as I enter it with a bit of clarity? My strategy, I think, is to proceed, become an artist, and selflessly become my last project, all the while starting to open new doors to ground myself, labouring the fields so that when my digital self dies, my physical reality remains stable and I can still be contempt before my physical self, in turn, disappear.